Inside my head, I replay it again. I remember every single word. I remember my own disbelief, and the way the reality crept in slowly, slowly, slowly…. Then, swiftly and suddenly, smacked me across the face. All that was left was the redness and the stinging… the kind of welt that doesn’t just go away.

It was cold outside that day. It felt like it would never stop raining. A deepening heaviness intensified in my chest, making each breath a labor. I was being permanently altered in ways I still don’t completely grasp even today.

As time went on, life settled and I learned a new normal. Things were different. I felt more like “me” than ever before. I started to trust myself and hear myself and LISTEN to myself. Yet…. The welt was still there on my face…. Stinging just as sharply as day one.

I wish that you would despise me. I wish there was a clear moment that would define any logical reason for why you did what you did, why this happened at all, why you picked me to hurt. Perhaps karma from another life, perhaps karma from this one, perhaps no reason at all.

I just wish that you would hate me and then maybe I could hate you too.