Time spent wishing

Time spent waiting

Time spent wondering what it all means

The clock keeps ticking, but nothing feels better

You beg for the consideration, the reaffirmations, the literal love you know you deserve

But it isn’t yours, and maybe it never will be

Can’t lose what you never had in the first place

Try catching your breath, try slowing down. Right now is right now, but there’s still so much to come. Are you sick? Are you lost? Are you doing okay? Pause. Why? Pause. WHY? Pause. Why???? Pause. Why?

For a moment, I thought I saw you today.

My entire being was filled with happiness and I thought at first to text you, asking where you were headed.

It only lasted a moment. The reality that you are gone consumed my world within seconds.

My heart sank, my eyes filled and overflowed, and my desire for one more chance to see you alive overwhelmed me.

I see you everywhere. You’re at every corner, every car, every store.

You are every dad, calling after his daughter.

You are every son, speaking to his mom about a movie he’s obsessed with.

You are every brother, ushering along his younger siblings to keep up and not be a pest.

You are every voice, calling out from everywhere.

All of these ghosts of you are here, but you no longer are.

The cruelest reality of all is knowing a world without you in it.

Haunt me.

It’s 12 o’clock, we’re meeting at the beach today.

Where are you?

It’s one o’clock, your daughters and wife are here now.

Where are you?

It’s two o’clock, they say you left already dressed in your swim trunks.

Where are you?

It’s three o’clock, you haven’t answered anyone’s calls in a bit. Mom texts:

Where are you?

It’s getting dark, we are packing up and could really use your help.

Where are you?

The kids need to eat, we’ve made dinner reservations. Aren’t you hungry?

Where are you?

It’s dark out now, your phone is off, no hospitals nearby know your name.

Where are you?

Call this police department! No this one! Let’s just start here:

Where are you?

What do we do, we can’t find you anywhere, you’re not answering and this isn’t like you.

Where are you?

“We encountered him this afternoon, can you go somewhere private to talk?“

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

……….

Gloomy weather doesn’t last forever

That’s what everyone always says, but I know cloudy days that never end

Focus on the good, focus on the warm and sunny days ahead!

There are ways to clear the clouds, silly songs to sing, dancing in the rain to bring out the sunshine once more

Gloomy weather doesn’t last forever… that’s what everyone always says

Inside my head, I replay it again. I remember every single word. I remember my own disbelief, and the way the reality crept in slowly, slowly, slowly…. Then, swiftly and suddenly, smacked me across the face. All that was left was the redness and the stinging… the kind of welt that doesn’t just go away.

It was cold outside that day. It felt like it would never stop raining. A deepening heaviness intensified in my chest, making each breath a labor. I was being permanently altered in ways I still don’t completely grasp even today.

As time went on, life settled and I learned a new normal. Things were different. I felt more like “me” than ever before. I started to trust myself and hear myself and LISTEN to myself. Yet…. The welt was still there on my face…. Stinging just as sharply as day one.

I wish that you would despise me. I wish there was a clear moment that would define any logical reason for why you did what you did, why this happened at all, why you picked me to hurt. Perhaps karma from another life, perhaps karma from this one, perhaps no reason at all.

I just wish that you would hate me and then maybe I could hate you too.

Suddenly, it’s summertime again.

The air is thick, the sun is hot, the neighborhood is busy. No one can even remember grabbing a coat before leaving the house anymore.

But seasons past don’t just disappear. The pain and the familiarity of it don’t just go away. Alone then, alone now. Weather doesn’t change that.

Do you remember the way it felt? Do you remember the way I do?

I am filled with hurt and it’s much too heavy in this heat.

I am also filled with hope. Hope that the cool front can move in and naturally set in a simmer to dull the boiling pain.

Time heals nothing.

When all you know is love and chaos, everything feels wrong.

You’re sick to your stomach again.

Your eyes feel heavy.

Your heart beats so fast and hard, you swear you can see it wanting to hop right out of your chest.

You hold your breath, trying to slow things down, trying to find control….

But you don’t have control. You have chaos.

And when things do finally slow down, when the sun comes out, and the heaviness in your chest lightens, and your breath is no longer labored….. you crave the chaos once more.

Is it you or are you it?

Inside of me, there is a warmth I’ve only ever felt a handful of times.

This warmth is like fresh baked goods, a deeply cleaned home with a candle lit right around dusk, Christmas lights glowing under a soft layer of snow, sunlight on your face after being chilly for too long, or a big bear hug from your favorite person.

Have you ever met someone who was sunshine in human form? I have. They glow that same warmth. It attracts others, it feels healing, it is infectious.

There is also frigid air in me. A cold desire to remain unconnected, to expect the worst, to share hopelessness and find a tribe simply to wallow in.

There is comfort in the warmth… joy, hope, love, understanding. The warmth is what I want to share, to extend my blanket and keep others warm too.

The weather here can be unexpected…. Cold fronts move in, the warmth is not eternal. Cold, snowy, rainy, dreary days are par for the course.

No showers, no flowers. You can’t be sunshine without a reprieve for the moonlight, but you can still shine bright in every atmosphere if you’re willing to adapt…. Just bring a coat.

In the darkest hours of the night, there’s only one thing on my mind.

My heart aches, my eyes sting, I’m sick to my stomach again.

Gone is gone.